Silence and Snow

A silence greater still
Than this minus twenty silence; desire
Heavier than the snow stacked up
On roofs of schools
Which have to close because of it

You come over with sleds, blue and red
And say nothing, refuse tea.
3 pairs of trousers and 4 sweaters and
I’m squeezing into the buttons of my coat,
Pushing your car when it gets stuck in the snow.

We slide across the ice hockey pitch,
Pull ourselves up the hill
The wind throwing itself
Through the gloves and socks
I’ve stacked up on my hands.

Sitting in our sleds, looking over the city
I think we’ll never make it down alive,
And I’m glad we’re here regardless
But you pull my sled-string from the snow
Wrap it around your hand, and take off

The speed and weight and thin plastic
Pushes the snow out and away before I feel it
Instead I feel the ice beneath, speeding us on
I feel the scrape and dip of every curve
We are caught in the whoosh against the wind

The snow pushes its way between my layers,
Our sleds hit against each another,
Urging us steeper, faster, steeper, faster,
We scream into the rush, rush, rush-
I’m alive, and in conditions such as this.

sustenance

I tell you, imagine my love as a fish-food pellet
The kind that people keep fish alive with in their absence
A sturdy grey lump you can store in your heart
For these winter days, every day dispensing a thin layer
Into your bloodstream, aiding your survival
Until these thousand miles get smaller and less cold.

Peapod

These last two weeks, in Cambridge and in Finland, I've been teaching myself to crochet. I have finally finished this peapod. I got the pattern from a book called 'Amigurumi Two' by Ana Paula Rimoni.

Paper animals

Still very cold outside, so we made these paper animals. I like them.

Finland again!

Pretty cold out here. -21 degrees c. We went sledding. Wore three pairs of trousers and four sweaters under my coat, and somehow the snow still got in my pants. The wind is the coldest part. All very beautiful, blue skies and big piles of snow. Snow everywhere:

fridge poem

I'm not sure about this whole Cambridge thing.

I wish today that I was different or that I was in a different place. I'm not sure Cambridge and I are bonding as well as we might. I don't yet know if this is irreconcilable.

Why am I doing this? I just want to write my novel, but all the time I'm going to lectures on science and maths and 'professional studies'. I am confused as to how I got here, and why. I feel that I'm making a big sacrifice of who I am as a person.

Summer was fantastic. I don't know if I should have stayed in Finland for winter, too. I thought I needed a 'career'. Maybe I really do need a 'career'. And maybe the reality of teaching will fit me better than the course. It's sort of hard to know in advance. But I feel frustrated because I think writing is what I'm best at and it's what I should be doing.

I'll be in Finland in under 48 hours, stay 10 days, and then back for 6 more weeks. After that I'll be 1/3rd done.